vrijdag 15 maart 2013

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder, what is going to happen tomorrow. What is going to be the next thing that I'm going to do, or going to be. What if tomorrow I die. And everything is gone. Am I going to be happy? In heaven? Maybe. I don't know. And maybe I could say, that I don't care. But I do. So... Yes. I do care. About everything. And I lie to myself, everyday, and every second. Because I tell myself that I'm not afraid. And that it's going to be ok. But maybe it's not. And I lie to people. Friends. Family. People I love. I tell them that I'm ok. And I'm not. Because sometimes I still feel that I need to cut. But I don't. I don't do it, because I don't want to let the people that I love down. Not again. Not anymore. I tell people that I'm happy, and that I don't cry. And I tell people how to be happy. And what they need to do. But, why would people believe me? If I don't believe myself. I cry, and every tear feels good. I never cry. I feel like I'm not strong enough. Like I'm nothing worth. Like I don't have the right to be alive.But i live. And I try to make the best of it. But every time I look in the mirror and see my body, who isn't skinny like my friends. Or models. Everytime I see the flashback of my mistakes. Everytime I fail, again. On all that moments, I feel like I'm nothing. Nothing more then a piece of shit. And I'm angry, on myself. For writing this. Even if I know that this is the only way to understand myself. I don't want to talk. But I talk. Because I have to. And then I'm angry. On the people, for letting me talk, on myself, for not being who I am. And I feel like screaming, every day. I wonna scream to everyone in the room. Tell them what I think of them Tell them what I feel. Maybe I'm not ok. Maybe nothing changed. I have good points. I have great friends. But, I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose everything again lik before. And I'm angry, again, because I feel like a bitch. Like a dramaqueen. Just because I have this feelings. I'm sick of it. Of everything. Everyone. I feel like no one cares. They say they do, and they will miss my when I'm gone. But right know, on this moment, there is no one to ask 'are you ok?' And no one who sees that I lie when I say that I am ok. 'Qause I'm not. I'm not ok.

Sometimes I wonder. How life would be, to don't have the feelings I have right know. But now I'm ok. Because I can write about it. And now I kind of understand what my heart meens. Now I can go on, whit sport, to be skinny, and studieng, so my points will be great. And do everything for my friends, so they wont let me down. Because that's why I do homework, because I don't want to let people down who want me to be good at school. And thats why I try so hard, because I'm afraid. And you now why I read all the time? To escape of reality. Because that stories are way more better that this. But I'm ok. And I will be. And I don't lie right now. It's all good. 

- Anonymous.

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